To be little again. No responsibility and things were done for you. Well most of the time. Life was good and carefree. Now i feel like i want to return to back then. I want to be with my mum and dad and everything is ok. I want their love more than anything right now. Bit hard when one is in another country and the other is in heaven.

To be little again would be great. Playing and swimming and having lots of friends. And not having weight upon my shoulders like i feel right at this moment. Bloody heavy and downright cementing me into this terrible emotional want. Argh! I could yell at myself for being so petty and not responsible. See my cakes flopped for my 2 eldests birthday. This is what has started the late emotional mood. What a mess of a day.

I woke tired, really tired and thought come on lets get things done. But no, just slowly got into some things. Went to the shop got some things for the birthday party tomorrow. Then took Mr J to a pool party and picked him up after lunch. Started getting the cakes on. Lots of sugar which should have been a warning then and there! But no, I let the kids have “crap” on their birthdays as it is a treat. All good, kids cakes in oven. Then i was cleaning a cupboard and clearing old stuff. THought right get the roast on for dinner, put it on outside as the air conditioner struggles with it on. (Heat outside today was 42 degrees celsius) Good. About 5.15pm cakes still on not looking right…..maybe just a little bit more then bang! Mr A is screaming blood is trickling out of his head! The chain from the shed clopped him as it fell. Right. TO THE HOSPITAL WE GO! All 6 are off and going. Hang on, roast on, cakes on…..call a mate to turn off ovens. Anyway, after being there for over an hour and glue in his head we are home. Cakes look ok and roast not cooked.Kids starving. Microwave come at me! Zap the potatoes and pumpkin plus meat as was a little too pink in middle. TIme was 7.30pm by the time dinner is on table…….and now after cleaning up and the buttercream icing made for 2 cakes, the cakes are buggered. Flopped. Diddly squat! At this point in time,I am emotionally strangled with hate for the cakes, despair as i don’t have anything else to make another 2 with, sadness that my mum would make it all better, cranky at myself for not being organised, fed up with this crap oven, swearing like a drunken trashy woman, and crying because why has this happened again! Yes 2 weeks ago that cake flopped too!

So. Now I am sitting crying blogging this wretched day to you. I want to know what the heck is going on? What have I done! Must be a sign from the universe not to cook those cakes anymore! Or is it a sign not to be so unorganised!

So now you see why I why want to be little again? Little and have the hugs from my mum. Just to have a little piece of that kid feeling again? Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids ever so much and can’t live without them or Hubby for that matter……..I just wanted those cakes to work to have a little success for today. If I were little again success is only small and not a desire that you usually have. And then my mum can cook the cake, make it look awesome and loved like always. Hmmm I can only wish and remember of times from back then.

Thanks for listening, I am grateful you take the time to read it xx